A dream...not a dream.

It's just a thought. I'm not mental.

Ever think of experiencing great pain or great loss?

Someone dear to you left you. Or betray you. You go on each day not knowing the meaning and purpose of your life. Committing suicide never cross your mind because you don't want to end your life this way. You believe there is much more than that in your life. That's mental pain.

You had an accident. It was too sudden. You were driving 160km/h and something behind distract you. You turned back to see what happened and when you bring your focus to the front again, to the road, you just hit a lorry or a bus, hard. The next thing you know, you were in a hospital. Your whole body was injured badly. There was so much pain. It was unbearable. That's physical pain.

Then you wished all this pain was only a dream. You tried so hard to wake up from the dream. And from the movie Inception, you knew the way to wake up from a dream is to kill yourself in the dream. But there's no way you want to do that. Or maybe drop yourself from somewhere high. Not high enough to kill you but to only wake you up.

It's not possible because you are not dreaming. You are living in so much pain that you don't want to face it but to find an alternative to escape from it.

There's no escape in life. The solution is to recover from it. More pain will make the pain seems small. I'm not mental. It's just a thought.

Merry Christmas!

To stay or to leave.

Life consists of various stages and as you move on from stage to stage there will be someone you wanted to stay with or something that you wanted to bring along the journey.

Knowing when to let go is always the option but try to think 10 to 20 years later. Looking back, is the decision made years back affect you in any way? We all need to settle down at some point in our life. Do we regret making the decision back then. What would it be like if I were to stay? Would I be better off than what I am now or leaving was the right decision after all.

Meeting and separation is part of our life. This can mean separation due to death. But think of separation because you are moving to the next stage of your life. Like I said, we all need to settle down at some point in our life. The question is 'when'. Do we know 'when' when we know 'when'? Or we just slipped through the chance and wait for another one to pop out which might not happen. Or grab on to the chance that is in front of you and settle down at that point. What if there are 2 chances and you were to choose one? Make a decision and never look back. Typical answer.

My answer...make a decision you will never regret making and even if you regretted your decision it would be worthwhile. Same same.

Wake me up when September ends.

"It's the end of September and I still don't feel like waking up, literally.

I've done a lot this month. Or I should say I've gained a lot this month."

28th September 2009

This post was composed last year and it never got published. The title is a song from Green Day and my birthday coincidentally falls in this month. I don't mean I sleep the whole month and do nothing. It's a month I wanna do a lot of things that most of the time never gets done. But most of time, it never gets done anyway. Lolx.

So, please, God, if you do exist, wake me up when September ends. Because if I'm still sleeping after this September, I'd be sleeping until the end of the year. Then my life won't be good and life isn't that good already. It will change. Nothing is permanent but change.

This year, this time.

It's the time of the year again...my birthday!!! huhu
Nothing special, really.

Last year I gave myself a week off in an island where no communications from the outside world except that part of the island. This year, I'm going up a hill with a friend. I'm going to give myself something holy. I'm going to meditate. Sounds nice eh. For some they think I'm going through some crisis or too many karma. No crisis. No karma. I need to come back to myself and think clearly. Too much external input has done tremendous damage to my brain. Thus, no output. I need an output. 3 days ain't enough but that's all I have.

I need to heal myself. I'm healing myself.

In search for an answer.

There are a lot of questions unanswered. The harder we try to find out, the more likely it won't get answered. Take life as it comes and do the best we can until the answer surfaces. There's these saying that I don't like but holds a certain truth, 'ignorance is bliss' or 'what you don't know cannot hurt you'. But it keeps you wonder all the time. We stop wondering. We move forward. When you look back, it doesn't really matter anymore. You smiled at how foolish you were. If given a chance to go back, would you do it differently? I won't. It is because of the past that I am what I am now. We cannot deny the past. We learn from the past. The tears are not wasted. You dropped your tears knowing it'll be over soon. Hang on. Live on. There are better futures ahead.

Just woke up from an afternoon nap and I'm feeling groggy. I write whatever comes to my mind. My mind is not straight now. Haha.


Learn from the past. Live at the present. Have a better future.
Wake me up when September ends.

The Quarter-Life Crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Source: http://www.cds.caltech.edu/~shane/text/quarterlifecrisis.html

A football match.

I was in a football field, literally. Me being me was playing nice and as you know in a football field, playing nice would do you more harm than good. As I play along, I got pushed, kicked, cursed and the list goes on....The referee has been nice to me because I'm being nice of course. But the game didn't go as expected. Other players played harshly but it drew a lot of applause from the spectators. The spectators being the most important individuals in a football game influenced the referee on how the game should be played.

Me being nice is not welcome in a football game. The game should be played as how the spectators wanted it to be. So, I was given a yellow card to warn me on what it takes to keep the game going.

So, one yellow card for me. According to the rules, if anyone gets 2 yellow cards, you will be given a red card. Then you are eliminated from the game.

Ask me if I'm going to play the game nicely or play it as what the spectators wanted?
I guess the answer is clear.

Back to the city.

After stranded (yea I'm exaggerating) for one week in Chagar Hutang in Redang Island, I'm back to the city where you hear people talk.

There's no updates on the Convocation Commemorative. Sorry for the disappointment. Photos are gone for no reason. So no pictures of Sultan Kedah, Raja Perlis and Tun Abdullah Ahmad Badawi. Below are some of the news on the event.

http://www.usm.my/my/berita-penuh.asp?id=7119&idform=7
http://www.usm.my/my/berita-penuh.asp?id=7138&idform=10

or you can log on to www.usm.my and search in the archives.

But...remember I said I'm going to show you the pride of USM?
Ta daa...

A picture paints a thousand words.

We beat 10 others higher learning institutions and bagged champion for Engineering Presentation and Highest Mileage for Automatic Transmission category. That's 3 months ago.

Sorry to keep you outdated.